i have mourned you
on dismal winter mornings,
recreating that nineteenth
of december time and again,
awaking from a peaceful world of
video games and
bike rides and
sleepovers
into a world of tears
and gut-wrenching flowers, all perfume and too-bright white
and a box you shouldn't have needed
for another sixty years

i have remembered you
whenever i have lost
and whenever i have won,
seeking your smiling approval,
wishing for you to have known
what lies beyond the edge
of sixteen years,
bitterly drawn to thoughts of
what you lost

but as much as you did lose,
we lost more
and I lost more than most.
you are the whispering voice in a breezy wood
you are the dazzling glare of sun on water
you are the perfect peace of a silent daybreak

i have mourned you,
but i will never lose you again